


Grief Can't Hold Me Back Forever

by thek9kid



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Adventures, Asexual Character, Asexual Julie Molina, Bisexual Flynn (Julie and The Phantoms), Carlos is the best little brother, Cooking, Family, Flynn is the bestest of best friends, Friendship, Friendship Bracelets, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hiking, Nature, Reading, Support, Tia Victoria is the best Aunt ever, five things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27182617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thek9kid/pseuds/thek9kid
Summary: Julie's mom was the physical embodiment of music, she was always singing, playing the piano, or just humming around the house. But she was so much more than that, so much more than a singer-songwriter pianist, she was Julie's mom, and looking back on the 15 years she had with her, she taught her everything and they spent so much time together.Julie didn't only lose music after her mother passed, but all the other things they did together too.This story chronicles five things Julie did with her mom that hurt too much to do without her and how her friends and family helped Julie reclaim her passions outside of music.
Relationships: Alex & Julie Molina & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Carlos Molina & Julie Molina, Carlos Molina & Julie Molina & Julie Molina's Mother & Ray Molina, Carlos Molina & Julie Molina & Ray Molina, Flynn & Julie Molina, Julie Molina & Aunt Victoria, Julie Molina & Julie Molina's Mother, Julie Molina & Ray Molina
Comments: 13
Kudos: 60





	1. Friendship Bracelets with Carlos

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hi! I wanted to write more about Julie, her perspective, and about her mom, her grief after losing her, and how her family helped and supported Julie and each other. Enjoy!
> 
> Warning: Cutting, but it is brief, accidental, and non-graphic.
> 
> Disclaimer: Bro I wish… *sigh*

It hurt. Everything hurt so much without her. Mom had been sick for a long time, and even though she had time, she wasn’t prepared. Julie always held onto hope, even in Mom’s final days, that she would make a miraculous recovery.

But she didn’t.

Julie couldn’t set foot in the studio, not even a lion with a sledgehammer could chase her into that space. It would break her. It felt like all of her memories of her mom were in there and if she just never set foot in there again it would be ok.

She was wrong.

Everything reminded her of her Mom. She was more than music, more than a piano and sheet music. Of course, she was. Besides Dad, Carlos, Tía, and Flynn she was the most important person in her life. Every single inch of Julie’s home, the studio, her room, Carlos’s room, kitchen, the living room, even the backyard, was saturated in her presence and each memory hurt more than the last. She asked Dad if they could move, somewhere that didn’t have painful memories springing up around every corner. Dad assured her they would look into it, but that they all needed some time to heal more before they took on the daunting task of selling the house.

It felt like every object in the house had some memory of her mom attached to it. Even her own jewelry brought painful memories.

Mom was the one who taught her the art of friendship bracelet making, beyond the simple braided ones she learned at summer camp. The two of them spent hours just weaving together, sometimes Carlos, Flynn, or Carrie joined them, but mostly it was just the two of them together. She realized they made them in every room of the house. Half the bracelets she wore every day were from her mom, others from Flynn, Carrie, and various friends who had come in and out of her life.

It hurt to look at her own wrists.

In a fit of pain and rage, she cut all of her bracelets off with a pair of scissors, accidentally cutting her wrists. Dad carefully cleaned and put bandaids on her cuts, talking the whole time in a low calm voice, trying to comfort her. She looked at the pile of string and beads on the floor with regret, wishing she hadn’t acted so impulsively. She didn’t want to destroy anything Mom made for her, it just hurt so much. Carlos followed her gaze and understood immediately, bending down to pick up every bead and every piece of yarn and string from her bedroom floor. He placed them in a small empty wooden box on her desk, for when she was ready to fix and wear them again. She didn’t think she would ever be able to do that, but she appreciated her little brother’s care and optimism even when dealing with his own grief as well. 

Her dad decided to enroll the three of them into family and individual therapy sessions after that, probably scared if he let things continue as they were Julie might really hurt herself, no matter how many times she told him it was an accident. Her parents had always been open about mental health issues. She knew Dad used to struggle with crippling self-esteem issues as a teenager and her mom went through postpartum depression after Carlos was born. Dr. Turner was a good therapist, he listened to her and helped her work through some issues, he never pushed her to try things she wasn’t ready for. He believed her when she said cutting her wrists was an accident, she was just acting impulsively and didn’t want to take the time to untie each bracelet. He helped her come up with healthy coping mechanisms that worked when she felt that same pain from her grief. 

The box of bracelets disappeared from time to time over the next few weeks, but she didn’t have the energy to look for it. Then she caught Carlos with the box at his desk when she went to call him for dinner, focusing intently on restringing a line of black, grey, white, and purple beads, the colors of the asexual flag, her mom made it for her after she came out in middle school. 

She couldn’t help the tears that sprung to her eyes. Carlos leaped up, knocking his chair over as he ran to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. They stood like that for a long time just holding each other and crying.

She reassured Carlos that it was ok, she wasn’t mad and if he wanted to keep fixing her bracelets he could, she didn’t think she would be able to for a long time. He grinned at her through his tears and promised he would fix every single one.

He did, although Dad and Flynn both helped him with a few tricky ones that had come partially unraveled, Carlos fixed her bracelets and put them back in her room, in the same box on her desk. She made sure to get him an extra special birthday present the next month. She had the best little brother. It was about seven months later that she felt strong enough to put her bracelets back on. She also weaved a bracelet for Carlos as a thank you, in his favorite colors, with Flynn by her side for moral support and her knot-tying expertise.

Flynn was so excited when Julie asked her to help that she brought a huge new box of multicolored strings and beads for Julie to make more.


	2. Cooking With Tía Victoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Julie's mom was alive, the kitchen was the center of the house. Although she worked a lot Rose always found time to cook for her family, occasionally letting Ray cook when she was tired or in the mood for spaghetti. Often she cooked with Julie, Carlos, and her sister, passing down their families' recipes. 
> 
> Now, it's been a year and a half since she died. Even after she started singing again Julie still can't bring herself to stay in the kitchen longer than the time it takes to throw stuff in the microwave or make a pb&j.
> 
> Tía Victoria is patient though and willing to be there for her sobrina for as long as it takes, even if it's decades before Julie's ready to cook again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi!, I’m back for chapter two! I hope you enjoy and be sure to let me know what you think. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Julie knew everyone was hurting. Her Dad, Carlos, and even Tía Victoria, who tried to be so strong for them but Julie knew she missed her sister just as much as they did. 

Tía and every other person Julie and her family had ever known seemed to bring over food now. Which was good as no one seemed ready to cook much more than throwing stuff in the microwave or putting on a pot of spaghetti. Mami did a lot of the cooking in the family, showing Julie and Carlos how to make the Brazillian, Mexican, and Puerto Rician food she and Tía learned from their family as kids and from Dad’s family after they started dating. Dad had never been much of a cook despite Abuela’s many many attempts to teach him. His signature dish was spaghetti and frozen meatballs whereas when they had the time Mom and Tía spent hours in the kitchen sometimes with Julie and Carlos fixing complicated and delicious meals.

A few months after her mom died Tía and Flynn’s family were the only ones who still brought food over or took an hour or two to cook and eat with them. One night Tía Victoria asked if Julie would like to cook with her and Carlos sometime. Julie didn’t want to hurt her aunt’s feelings but it still felt way too soon, even being in the kitchen for too long hurt. So she said no. When she told Tía why, she understood, of course she did. Tía, especially now, respected that each person in their family was grieving in different ways, at different times, at different speeds. She never pushed them before they were ready, just offered to help, and was there almost every day, especially in the beginning.

Even after her band came, she started singing again, and realized she didn’t want or need to move anymore, Julie still couldn’t cook the food she used to make with mom. One time she tried even though she didn’t feel ready yet. It had been over a year, she should be able to do this. But halfway through her emotions got the better of her and she broke down sobbing, getting tears in the Moqueca Capiaxba. Tía just held her on the kitchen floor as she cried, grieving with her, and humming familiar songs in her ear. The ones she sang when she babysat Julie when she was little, to help calm her down. 

Eventually, she calmed down enough to get up and make her way to the table, thankful her dad and brother were out and her ghost boys were in the city having a guys bonding night. So at least she didn’t have an audience for her breakdown. 

Tía Victoria stayed with her, turning the stove off and holding her hand.

“Mija, if you’re not ready, it’s ok. If you never want to make your mama’s recipes again that’s fine. Hell, If you never want to cook again we’ll make it work. Your Papi and I will cook for you for the rest of your life if that’s what you need,” she said with a smile, squeezing Julie’s hand. 

Julie laughed thinking, not for the first time, how lucky she is to have such an amazing aunt. “Tía, te quiero, you’re the best, but I need to be able to cook again for my own independence. I can still make small stuff. It’s when I’m in the kitchen for too long that all the memories come back and make me too emotional.”

“You’re never too emotional Mija,” Tía said, reaching across the table to sweep her hair behind her ear. Whatever your feeling, however long you’re feeling it. whenever your feeling it, is ok. Everyone grieves differently, sobrina, there’s nothing to be ashamed about.”

Julie never did make any of the dishes she did with her mom, but Tía Victoria was nothing if not persistent and patient, and knowing Julie wanted to cook again made her even more determined. So six months later, when Julie was in a very good place emotionally, Tía came to the house armed with new recipes neither of them had ever made before. After asking about ten times if Julie was sure she was ready they stepped into the kitchen together, colorful apron armor tied around their waists to protect both clothes and painful memories.

They made dinner every night for two weeks, Dad, Carlos, Flynn, Reggie, Luke, and Alex jumping in occasionally to help. They made new recipes from Purto Rico, Brazil, and Mexico as well as other places. They made Swedish food, Russian, Japanese, Indian, Chinese, Canadian, Chilean, Argentinian, Ecuadorian, Guatemalan, and Costa Rican as well as a few American classics they rarely made at home. Apparently, it was the best two weeks of Carlos’s life, he said it every single night at dinner. Although she knew he was talking about the food, Julie couldn’t help but read into the smiles and glances Dad and Carlos shared across the dinner table. They were the same looks they had when she first started singing again.

Mom’s memory was still in the kitchen it always would be, but that was a good thing, with Tía and the rest of her family by her side as well as new pain-free recipes, Julie reclaimed the kitchen from her grief. Making meals with her family, baking with her friends, and getting into the occasional food fight, the kitchen finally felt like home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? What did you think? Be sure to let me know in a comment and leave a Kudos! The dish Julie and Tía attempt to make is Moqueca Capixaba and it is a traditional Brazilian stew, originating from the region of Espírto Santo.
> 
> Since the Molina family’s Latinx origins are left pretty vague I decided their family is a mix of Brazilian, Puerto Rican, and Mexican descent. Ray: Puerto Rican and Rose (and Tía) as Brazillian and Mexican. I went this way because the show is based on a Brazilian TV show, both Madison Reyes who plays Julie, and Carlos Ponce who plays Ray are Puerto Rican, and the show is set in California where a lot of Mexican American people live.


	3. Reading with Flynn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose read to Julie on a near-nightly basis since the day she was born until Julie decided she was too old in the ninth grade.
> 
> When she got sick though they picked up their nightly ritual of reading, sometimes Julie read to her mom though when she was too tired.
> 
> With her mom gone, Julie struggled to find her usual passion for the written word, to even finish her English homework. She turned to her best friend for help and of course, Flynn pulled through for her just like she always does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Chapter three is here! I love Flynn, she’s a really cool character, a great friend, and I hope we learn more about her in season two. I wanted to write something about Julie and Flynn’s marvelous friendship and how Flynn helped Julie through her grief. Anyways enjoy!

Julie’s mom had loved reading and especially loved reading to her children. While Carlos had no desire to be read to after the age of nine when he grew out of picture books. Julie and Mom read together often. Even as a middle schooler Mami would read Julie a chapter every night from a specially chosen book everything from old classics like Goosebumps, The Babysitters Club, and Anne of Green Gables to new releases like See You in the Cosmos by Jack Cheng, and Amina’s Voice by Hena Khan. As a high schooler, Julie insisted she was too old for that and they simply read side by side in the evenings. Until Mom got sick and Julie wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. Then Mom read to her when she felt strong enough and when she didn’t Julie would read to her.

After she died Julie found reading more difficult, her English homework suffered as she could barely get through her assigned reading without tears blurring the passages. There were certain books at home and in the library she couldn’t even look at. 

This was something she had to get over though. The school and her teachers gave her a grace period for grieving but it would only last so long, and reading was an essential part of education. Her textbooks were no problem, they never read anything as boring as math, science, and history textbooks at bedtime. But the novels she had to read for English were a struggle, even if they were boring books, like The Grapes of Wrath, with too much description and not enough action, romance, or emotion. Seriously why did it take three pages to describe a turtle crossing the street? She tried audiobooks but that was almost worse, especially if the narrator had a feminine voice. She tried reading alone in her room but it was too quiet, her mind would wander and go to dark places she didn’t want to deal with while doing her homework. She tried reading alongside her dad but it hadn’t helped, reminded her too much of reading with Mom. She tried reading in public and at the library but there was too much noise and she couldn’t concentrate. 

After venting with Flynn about it she offered to do their English homework together at Flynn’s house, where Julie’s mom’s memory wasn’t saturated into the very bones of the house and it was quiet enough to concentrate but not too quiet that she would lose herself in her own brain. 

Flynn and her family had always been kind to Julie, supportive of Julie and Flynn’s very close friendship, and were practically a second family to her. After her mom died they were a godsend, they checked up on her as much as her own family did, they let Flynn spend so many nights at their house just to support her and welcomed her into their home whenever she needed space from her family and the memories of her mom.

Flynn had always been a great friend to Julie and after Mom died she stuck with her when other people didn’t. She didn’t wait for Julie to ask or invite her over, she was at her house or vice versa every day in those terrifying few months after Mom died. They only cut back a little when Julie started functioning as a person again and Flynn had some of her own problems she needed to address. Sometimes Julie helped Flynn or just let her talk her ear off wanting to be a good friend in return. Just because her mom died didn’t mean the rest of the world stopped turning or Flynn’s life outside of Julie would disappear. There were still times however when Julie couldn’t handle anything else besides her own emotions and Flynn was always good about respecting those moments and going to someone else for help or advice. 

So Julie and Flynn started doing English homework at Flynn’s house in her room. They spread out on her fuzzy purple rug. It made a huge difference and for the first time in months, Julie could actually focus and get through her assigned chapters without her mom’s memory jumping out at her. Flynn hummed while she read, kicking her feet back and forth, whispering a line out here and there, tapping her pencil against the pages. These were reading habits that Flynn had been doing since elementary school, and Julie used to find them a bit distracting, but now they were comforting and so much different from her mom’s reading habits. 

She even started humming along in harmony with Flynn’s tune which caused both of them to smile and giggle at each other before refocusing on the book. They talked through the reading and short essay questions, complained about their teacher who gave Flynn detention yesterday for not paying attention. Flynn proclaimed loudly that if Mrs. Swanson wanted her to pay attention in class the boys’ and girls’ varsity soccer teams should not be allowed to practice shirtless and in sports bras on the field right outside her window. Flynn’s bisexual heart could only be so strong. Julie giggled and teased her, Flynn teasing her right back about her never-ending crush on Nick when she could count the number of conversations they had on one hand.

Eventually, Julie could read in her own home again both for school and pleasure. She found herself humming, bouncing her feet, and tapping a pen against the pages, Flynn’s reading habits imprinting themselves on her. She didn’t mind, she found them comforting, and helped her focus. 

Flynn was the best friend Julie had ever had in her life. She couldn’t imagine a life without her, she didn’t want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo? What did you think? Tell me in a comment and don’t forget to leave a kudos!
> 
> K9KID OUT!
> 
> TTFN!


	4. Hiking with Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julie loved hiking with her mom, she loved the outdoors and the workout, but mostly she loved spending time with her mom. With her gone Julie couldn't bring herself to set foot on any of their old trails for a long time.
> 
> With her dad by her side, she's ready to go hiking again, even if they do stop every ten seconds for Dad to take a photo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi! So I love Ray he’s an amazing dad who would go to the moon and back for his kids. If every dad was like Ray the world would be a much better place. Anyway, here’s chapter four, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: *checks email* Nope! Still don’t own Julie and the Phantoms. *sigh*

Julie and Rose loved going on nature hikes in the summer. They had about five different trails they hiked regularly and dozens of ones they tried because of friends or good reviews on the internet. They loved going to Griffith Park, hiking the different trails, picnicking with Dad and Carlos, and seeing the Hollywood sign up close. There was one trail Julie and her mom loved, The Sam Merril Trail. They went out there every summer since Julie turned 12. It was a difficult hike, including scaling a canyon wall and climbing Echo Mountain, but the climb was worth it. The views of downtown LA, Pasadena, and the San Gabriel Valley were breathtaking. 

Dad loved going out in nature to take photos, but Julie got tired of him stopping every ten seconds to take photos of everything and of her, so she rarely went out with him.

After Mom died Julie didn’t ask to go hiking anymore, not with her dad, brother, or friends. She told Dad to stop asking her to go with him on his photography nature walks. She knew it would hurt too much so she didn’t try for a long time.

About six months after Luke, Alex, and Reggie popped into her life, she asked Dad if she could go on a nature walk with him. With her band by her side playing music stopped hurting and felt more like connecting to her mom again. She felt more in control of her own life, her already great support system growing to include her Emotional Support Ghost Boy Band. She finally felt ready. Dad said yes of course and did a little happy dance.

It was different from what she used to do with Mom. Mom liked to challenge herself and Julie, choosing difficult paths that left them breathless and left a good ache in their muscles for days afterward. 

Dad liked the less strenuous paths yet ones with something unique on the way or at the end. This time dad wanted to get some waterfall photos so they headed out to the Escondido Falls in Malibu

He stopped and took many photos not only of the waterfall but of plant life, trees, animals, the sky, the grass, rocks, streams, and, of course, Julie. There was one very cute photo of a butterfly landing in Julie’s hair. She made it her profile pic for a while.

While her dad’s constant stopping used to annoy her, now she liked watching him. The concentration on his face as he tried to take the perfect shot of a bunny, or the smile when he directed her to a beautiful spot for a photo. She never considered her dad’s profession dangerous until he started to climb a tree for an ariel shot, and wished she packed a first aid kit. Julie was shocked when he actually got up and back down without falling. She almost had a heart attack when he pondered climbing the waterfall for a beautiful photo before he smiled at her and she realized he was kidding.

Her dad let her slow down, take in the beauty of the outdoors. They talked and she learned things about him she never knew before. She wanted to spend time with him, just the two of them, like she used to with Mom. It was different of course but that was good she didn’t want Dad to try to be like Mom, that would hurt even more. 

In addition to being the most well-photographed teenager in Los Angles now, Julie also loved spending time with her dad. As much as she tuned out his ramblings about work she loved seeing him so passionate, so full of life, energy, and awe of the world.

She arrived home later that day with a smile on her face that wouldn’t fade for days, a mild ache in her muscles from the exertion, about a hundred new photos on her phone- not to mention the hundreds her dad took with his camera, and a new tradition with her dad.

After Mom was gone Julie never thought the hole in her heart would heal. While she will always miss her mom, slowly but surely with the help of her family and friends, the hole is healing, it’s not healed completely, she’s not sure if it ever will be, but it’s healing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have never been to California, much less know about the hiking trails there so all of that info comes from the internet. If any of you amazing readers have hiked the Sam Merril Trail, Griffith park trails, or to Escondido Falls or any fun hiking trails, tell me about it in the comments! I’d love to hear about the experience!
> 
> My brother is a photographer and I can say from first-hand experience, they’re nuts! They’ll take the weirdest risks for a good photo. My brother literally stood on the hood of a moving car to get a cool photo and nearly got killed by waves jumping between boulders on Lake Superior. 
> 
> Soooo? What did you think? Let me know in a comment and don’t forget to leave a Kudos!
> 
> K9KID OUT!
> 
> TTFN!


	5. Exploring with Luke, Reggie, and Alex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julie and Rose used to explore the city together, finding new and favorite places in the City of Angels. sometimes Dad and Carlos came along but more often than not it was just the two of them. 
> 
> Dad tried to continue the tradition with her and Carlos, but it wasn't the same.
> 
> Julie figured out the boys shared the same tradition, although with the added fun of finding new places to play music. Now Julie goes off on Band adventures in the city they all love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi guys! The final chapter is here! I hope you like it. Enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Julie’s mom used to take her on little “adventures” in the city. Sometimes Dad and Carlos would come too. They would start driving or walking through the city stopping at any new place one of them picked out: a shop, museum, park, a street performance, a food truck, or a restaurant if it was around lunch or dinner. Sometimes they would buy things, sometimes they would window shop.

Hollywood and Los Angles as a whole were so huge there was always something new they could find, a hidden gem as her mom would’ve said. Mom didn’t want them to be afraid of new things, new places, new people, of change. There was no better example of change than a rented space in a strip mall changing hands seven times in three years. Julie’s favorite ice cream shop, turned into Carlos’s favorite comic book store, to mom’s favorite Thai restaurant, to Dad’s favorite thrift store, to a quirky bookstore, to a donut shop they all got food poisoning from, and back to an ice cream shop, but the ice cream was nowhere near as delicious as the first ice cream shop Julie insisted although everyone else thought it tasted the same.

Dad tried to continue the tradition after mom died, and it was fun, but it wasn’t the same. When she found out Mom's absolute favorite music store had been turned into a parking lot she broke down and cried. It felt like the city was erasing her mom too. She stopped going with Dad and Carlos, but she was happy they were spending time together.

Julie later found out this tradition was something she shared with her band. They used to play the same game in the nineties with Bobby although with the added bonus of playing music somewhere new.

So now she played the game with them. They went out in search of their favorite places, lamenting when they had been torn down or turned into a parking lot. Reggie’s favorite comic book store, Luke’s favorite music store, and Alex’s favorite thrift/antique shop were all gone now, as well as numerous of their favorite food places. They cried when the apparent best pizza place in LA, Hairy Pete’s Pizza, had been turned into a hair salon. 

So Julie showed them her favorite spots, and places she thought they would like. She bought them a few things with her allowance and their band money. They also discovered new places together and even played tag in a park. They had a lot of fun, although a few parents and dog walkers must have thought she was insane, Julie didn’t care much as they were far enough away from home and school that she didn’t think anyone would recognize her. 

They found some cool places to play music, rediscovered some of the boy’s favorite spots, and made some money.

They went to the beach together and also with Flynn, Dad, and Carlos, having many epic splash fights and sand building contests.

It wasn’t the same as going with her mom, but it was still good. New, but good. 

With her band, her friends, her family by her side, new wasn’t so scary anymore, change wasn’t scary. She felt like she could go anywhere, do anything, be anything, and as long as she had her family with her nothing seemed out of her reach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo? What did you think? Let me know in a comment and don’t forget to leave a Kudos! 
> 
> K9KID OUT!
> 
> TTFN!

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think? Let me know in a comment and don’t forget to leave a Kudos!
> 
> K9KID OUT!
> 
> TTFN!
> 
> Love Ya!


End file.
